As a fairly new profession, many people ask about what it all entails. Here’s some more detail about what it is we really do as sexological bodyworkers.
Our sexuality is a vulnerable area of ourselves and we often find it difficult to explore our bodies and discuss sensitive issues. By creating an environment of safety, trust, acceptance and empowered choice, a sexological bodyworker can help to be more in touch with our sexual selves. Sexological bodyworkers help people become more embodied.
What is embodiment?
In short, embodiment is our ability to feel into our bodies and learn from the sensations we notice in the moment. Many of our emotional, physiological and mental processes are based in the body’s systems that regulate our automatic responses. Becoming more embodied means we are able to notice what is happening with our bodies during such responses. If we wish to make changes to our body’s response, then we first need to be aware of them.
Tel me more about the way the body learns
The body learns through bodily interactions and your attention. It will keep reacting in the same way unless we change the way we work with it. The body has implicit memory learnt from previous repeated movements. This why sports persons practice through repetition. The same concept applies to sex.
When you first learn to drive a car, then you’re thinking about how you should use your hands and feet. You struggle to coordinate all these actions because you simply cannot think about all the movements in so much detail so fast. But with practice your body starts to remember what you’re teaching it and your feet then start to move in a more coordinated way such that you can drive the car while rather thinking about the traffic etc. The body is wise and it creates complex habits.
These bodily habits can be good or bad for us, but the body cannot distinguish. It just simply learns what you repeatedly teach it with no reference to good or bad. A good example is a lack of ejaculation control. Our body has learnt to ejaculate through the habits we have taught it.
It is however also very flexible, even in old age, and can it learn new habit easily if we change the way we teach it.
Is it just about sex?
No. Sexological bodywork helps people feel into their bodies and become more embodied. We however recognise that sexuality is extremely important to the way the body reacts to situations and therefore important to our overall well-being and happiness. If we accept that sex is important to our body, then we can accept our bodies for what they are and move towards a more fulfilled life.
Pleasure is not just sexual. Anyone who enjoys eating chocolate will know this. If we however want to enjoy feeling pleasure, then we need to be in touch with the sensations within our bodies.
How do we teach our bodies pleasure?
We cannot become good at football just by thinking about. The same applies to our sexual pleasure. Bodywork is like studying for the body. It’s the exercise we do to teach the body the things that make us happy. Running, sports, yoga, walking etc, are all example of bodywork we do for ourselves.
We however sometimes need another person to help guide us with our bodies, especially when it comes to experiencing pleasure. A sexological bodyworker is trained in many techniques to help you practice to be in touch with your pleasure. These exercises can include focusing, breathing, education, touch and a lot more. Every session is different.
Do sessions always involve bodywork?
No, there are many other ways to get in touch with our bodies. Simply focusing on our bodies and being in the moment with no expectation helps become more embodied.
Own your pleasure
I love this statement. Our pleasure truly only belongs to ourselves and it isn’t given to us by someone else. Another person’s touch means nothing if we don’t have the ability to feel it.
Our bodies are very adaptable and we are always capable of feeling more pleasure in new ways if spend time practising and being open to new sensations. Touch from a partner can become so much more if we learn to feel it. We need to practice to feel it.
Owning your pleasure can be incredibly liberating!
Is it therapy?
A session may seem therapeutic, but strictly speaking it is not therapy. A sexological bodyworker does not “fix” your problems or give treatment without your immediate attention. It is not a massage or like a pill you take to feel better. Embodiment requires your involvement and hence your participation.
The sessions are client led and therefore have a co-created learning intention.
Do you touch people’s genitals?
Only if there is a learning outcome and the client asks for it. I do not touch do genital touch in the first session and not without full consent.
Sexological bodywork is unique in that it allows for genital touch within a framework of a professional Code of Conduct. All touch is one way, meaning I could touch you, but you do not touch me. I also use gloves during all genital. Touch could also include the anal area and include penetration as long as it follows the same code and has a learning outcome.
You may or may not get aroused during genital touch and any response is welcome and accepted during a session. Orgasms are also welcome, but I do not offer sexual services as a form of entertainment or sexual
release. I teach people to be more orgasmic and this includes touch and having orgasms through practice, but note that the emphasis is on embodiment and learning.
What training is involved?
The sexological bodywork training is intensive and we practice all the techniques ourselves before teaching or suggesting it to others. Most of the training is hands on and we’ve experienced all the bodywork we teach. We are also educated in touch, anatomy, neuroscience, language and various other embodiment techniques.
What is the science behind the training?
Studies in neuroscience have in recent decades revealed that many of our sexual responses are learnt through repetition and can also be changed through mindful practice.
Scientist have discovered that all of us have mirror neurons in our bodies that mimic the emotional state of others we interact with. We’ve also learnt that we have nervous systems that manage our social behaviour automatically without our conscious control. We then have autonomous nervous systems that regulate many of our organs in response to certain stimulus. An example is how our heartbeat fastens when we’re excited.
We’ve however also learnt that these response can be felt, understood and regulated by ourselves through bodily exercises, breath and focused, mindful attention.
Acceptance is everything
I’ll say this again because it’s so important. Acceptance is everything. Sexological bodyworkers work with what is, not how it “should” be. We do not “fix” people and we do not propagate a certain way of being sexually. People are different. Accept it.
Only when we accept that a problem exists can we start to solve it. Obvious right? Well, we often deal with our bodies as if they’re a just a tool and a nuisance. We treat pain in the body as if it’s something we should make go away. We take pills to numb ourselves to the message our body is sending us. We form daily habits with our bodies to be healthy because we can’t tell what our bodies need. We feed our bodies the same food even when we’re not hungry. We go to sleep the same time even when we’re not tired or felt sleepy earlier. We ignore our moods. We keep thinking about what we “should” be doing with our bodies.
Our bodies however have a mind of its own and it often rebels when it’s not listened to. Have you ever felt pain, but you don’t know why? It’s your body talking to you.
But what if we first learnt to accept the discomfort or pain we feel in our body? What if we rather accept that it’s our body trying to tell us something.
What about pleasure? How would our lives be different if we accepted our pleasure just the way it is? If we accept our desires, our bodies and everything about ourselves, we could then move towards making changes. If we continue to numb ourselves or ignore the sensations, then what does that mean for our pleasure?
What about physical problems?
One cannot feel sensation if the body has been damaged or there are scars. Many sexual disease also cause physical problems that interfere with our pleasure.
Sexological bodyworkers also help to address physical damage through remediation of scars in a mindful and understanding manner. The remediation includes massage, attention, exploration and application of healing oils. Sensations often return with regular attention to the affected area.
What if I’m already very happy with my sex life?
I do however also offer education about expanding upon your current sexual repertoire. I believe one can never learn enough sex. I am still amazed about how much I learn every day and the possibilities out there. Below are some examples.
BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Unfortunately, it has a bad reputation in today’s media, but can be a great way to get in touch with your body’s sensations and desires. Many of us fantasise about aspects of BDSM and I believe that by accepting these parts of ourselves we can become fuller more
satisfied sexual beings. I have been practising BDSM for 15 years and have a wealth of experience to help you discover new experiences. Many of these experiences can help with embodiment.
Some sexual experiences can include pain. Our society often shuns pain as bad for and many people shy away from it without trying. Experiencing pain in a consenting manner, meaning where the amount and level of pain your experience is fully agreed upon, can be immensely empowering and can teach us to be accepting of our bodies as they are.
Sexual energy can also be used in many other ways. I could help you learn to reach altered states of consciousness through some specific techniques. Many people regard these as spiritual experiences and can be life-changing in their depth.
I also help people become more orgasmic. There is truly no upper limit to orgasmic experiences. I have taught myself to think my way to orgasm and can help you become more orgasmic.
What is the difference between Tantra and Sexological Bodywork?
Tantra is an ancient spiritual practice from India that includes many practices and is a way of life that includes and positive healthy view of sex, but is not exclusively sexual. There are many tantra schools in the western world that emphasises the sexual elements of tantra and has become increasingly popular in the last few decades.
Tantra is not a regulated practice and includes a vast amount of varying approaches. Many of those approaches include partner engagement as part of the practice. The aim is also not always on a learning outcome, but on connection, pleasure and spirituality.
Sexological bodywork is different in that it is a regulated profession with guidelines. The sessions have a learning intention with embodiment as the focus. Partner engagement between a client and practitioner is never part of a session.
Personally, I believe that tantra is a great way to expand upon your sexuality, but it can seem overwhelming for those who have issues experiencing pleasure. A person might learn to experience an orgasm through a tantra massage, but it doesn’t mean they’ve learnt to be embodied to be able to expand upon their experience. They might become dependent on what they learnt tantra with little understanding of how to change. Some tantra school help with embodiment and learning, but it’s hard to know. Tantra is also great experience for those who are already embodied in which case seeing a sexological
bodyworker might be redundant.
Why is there a need for a profession such sexological bodywork?
Pleasure is the way we experience happiness. It’s the “doing” part of happiness.
Unfortunately, most people in our society struggle to feel pleasure. Many people have never experienced an orgasm. Some are even numb to feeling anything and the medical world seems to focus on functionality, not pleasure. We also don’t teach our children about pleasure and then are just expected to know how it works as adults.
Accumulating many sexual experiences is not going to help us experience more pleasure. We’re simply just repeating our bodies’ old habits towards pleasure and entrenching old sexual habits.
Sexological bodywork aims to educate both our mind and body while being mindful of everything else in our lives, like emotions and relationships. The profession seeks help with embodiment in order to feel more pleasure and be happy. Amazing, actually!
When is sexological bodywork it not good for you?
There are cases where sexological bodywork is not the best solution for a client.
Some people hold trauma within there bodies due to past experiences which could lead to many problems in the relationships and sexual lives. Sexological bodyworkers are trauma informed, but do not explicitly treat trauma and could refer the client to other professions for further help.
If someone is seeking a form of sexual release or sexual entertainment, then a sexological bodyworker may or may not choose to offer you such an experience. You may however note that there is then no learning intention and no teaching.